JACKIE MASON SAID IT: My grandfather says “don’t watch your money; watch your health”. So one day while I was watching my health someone stole my wallet. It was my grandfather.
RITA RUDNER: I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
SLAPPY WHITE: the trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you’re on the job.
TOMMY LASORDA (commenting on Mike Scosia, his All-Star catcher): If he raced his pregnant wife, he’d come in third.
AVA GARDNER (commenting on Clark Gable); He’s the kind of guy that if you said “Hi Clark, how’s it going?” he’d be stuck for an answer.
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