Just in time for St. Patrick’s Day we’re offering a bit of Irish humor. If you’re Irish–please don’t be offended. And if you’re not Irish, please don’t think any other ethnic group incapable of the same stories. So enjoy these offerings from another’sview.
* Did you hear about the fellow from county Mayo who was born with two left feet he went out the other day and bought some flip flips.
* Brian and his wife were lying in bed in their house in Dublin one Saturday morning. It was 8:00 and the neighbor’s dog was making quite a fuss. “What’s wrong with that dog?” Brian said, as he ran out of the room. He arrived back upstairs 10 minutes later. “What were you doing?” asked his wife. “I put the little dog in our garden. Let’s see how they like listening to the little mutt.
* Two Irish lads were working for the local County Council. One lad would dig a hole and the other lad would follow him and fill the hole in. They worked up along one street. and then down the other. They moved to the next street and did the same, working flat out all day without stopping. One lad digging holes the other lad filling them in. A passerby saw what they were doing and was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he shouted over to the lad digging the holes “I don’t get it, why do you dig a hole only for the other lad to fill it in?” The lad wiped his brow and sighed deeply. “Well I suppose it probably does look a bit odd. You see we’re normally a three man team. But today the lad who plants the trees phoned in sick.”
* It was a chilly Friday night when the doorbell rang at Mrs. Malloy’s home. When she answered the door, Pat, her husband’s manager at the local brewery, was standing outside. “Pat, what’s wrong? Where’s my husband? He should have been home hours ago.” The man sighed, “I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this Mrs. Malloy but there was an accident at the brewery. Your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned.” “Oh my God!” she replied. “Please tell me it was quick”. “Well, no it wasn’t. He climbed out four times to tinkle.
* How old are leprechauns? So old they remember when rainbows were black and white.
* A drunk Irishman sitting at a bar starts talking to the gentleman next to him. “Where are you from” he asked the stranger?” “Born and raised in Dublin Ireland”, the stranger says raising his glass. “Get outta here, I was born and raised in Dublin also”, the man cries in surprise. “Where’d you go to school?” ” I graduated from Saint Mary’s in 1985.” “By the stars, I graduated in 1985 from Saint Mary’s also.” The two continue talking when a regular walks into the bar.”How are things tonight?” he asks the bartender. Bartender shrugs and says “Alright, the McManus twins are drunk again”.
* A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work to go fishing so he approached his assistant. “Murphy, I’m going fishing tomorrow and I don’t wanna close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all the patients.” “Yes sir”, answers Murphy. The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks quote so Murphy “how was your day?” Murphy told him that he took care of three patients “The first one had a headache so I gave him aspirin.” “Bravo Murphy lad and the second one asked the doctor?” “The second one had indigestion so I gave him Gaviscon” says Murphy. “Bravo, you’re good at this and what about the third one asked the doctor?” “Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman burst in like a bolt out of the blue. She tears off her clothes taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table spreading her legs and shouts help me for the love of Saint Patrick years I’ve not seen any man”. “Thunder and Lord Jesus Murphy, what did you do?”, asked the doctor. “I put drops in her eyes”, said Murphy.
Two lads were on opposite sides of the river Lee in County Cork. “how do I get to the other side of the river?” shouted one lad to the other. “You’re already on the other side of the river” replied the other lad.
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