• WHY DO DOGS ALWAYS RACE TO THE DOOR WHEN THE DOORBELL RINGS? IT’S ALMOST NEVER FOR THEM. (Norm McDonald)
  • PIE CAN’T COMPETE WITH CAKE. PUT CANDLES ON A CAKE–IT’S A BIRTHDAY CAKE. PUT CANDLES ON A PIE AND SOMEBODY’S DRUNK IN THE KITCHEN. (Jim Gaffigan)
  • IF I HAD A BOOKSTORE I’D MAKE ALL THE MYSTERY NOVELS HARD TO FIND. (Demetri Martin)
  • I’M GOING TO GET MARRIED AGAIN BECAUSE I’M MORE MATURE NOW AND I NEED SOME KITCHEN STUFF. (Wendy Liebman)
  • YOU CAN’T LOSE A HOMING PIGEON. IF YOUR HOMING PIGEON DOESN’T COME BACK–THEN WHAT YOU’VE LOST IS A PIGEON. (Sara Pascoe)
  • A GOOD RULE TO REMEBER FOR LIFE IS THAT WHEN IT COMES TO PLASTIC SURGERY AND SUSHI, NEVER BE ATTRACTED BY A BARGAIN. (Graham Norton)
  • ADULTS ARE ALWAYS ASKING KIDS WHAT THEY WANT TO BE WHEN THEY GROW UP BECAUSE THEY ARE LOOKING FOR IDEAS. (Paula Poundstone)
  • I SAW A BANK THAT SAID “24 HOUR BANKING” BUT I DON’T HAVE THAT MUCH TIME. (Steven Wright)
  • WHEN I WAS A KID MY PARENTS MOVED AROUND A LOT BUT I ALWAYS FOUND THEM. (Rodney Dangerfield)
  • I HATE HOUSEWORK. YOU MAKE THE BEDS, YOU DO THE DISHES AND SIX MONTHS LATER, YOU HAVE TO START ALL OVER AGAIN. (Joan Rivers)
  • MY DOCTOR TOLD ME THAT JOGGING COULD ADD YEARS TO MY LIFE. I THINK HE WAS RIGHT. I FEEL TEN YEARS OLDER ALREADY. (Milton Berle)
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