The old Chinese saying “may you live in interesting times” becomes more appropriate every day. For that reason we are overdosing our readers on humorous tidbits from well-known celebrities. We hope you enjoy these observations. WARNING: some of these are re-runs.
- EVEN IF YOU’RE ON THE RIGHT RACK, YOU’LL GET RUN OVER IF YOU JUST SIT THERE. (Will Rogers)
- NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF STUPID PEOPLE IN LARGE GROUPS. (George Carlin)
- IF YOU TRY TO FAIL AND SUCCEED, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? (George Carlin)
- THE TROUBLE WITH BEING IN A RAT RACE IS THAT EVEN IF YOU WIN–YOU’RE STILL A RAT. (Lily Tomlin)
- I LIKE WOMAN WITH A HEAD ON HER SHOULDERS. I HATE NECKS. (Steve Martin)
- MY DOCTOR TOLD ME TO STOP HAVING INTIMATE DINNERS FOR FOUR UNLESS THERE ARE THREE OTHER PEOPLE. (Orson Welles)
- IF IT’S TRUE THAT OUR SPECIES IS ALONE IN THE UNIVERSE, THEN I’D HAVE TO SAY THAT THE UNIVERSE AIMED RATHER LOW AND SETTLED FOR VERY LITTLE. (George Carlin)
- WHO WAS THE GUY WHO FIRST LOOKED AT A COW AND SAID “I THINK I’LL DRINK WHATEVER COMES OUT OF THOSE WHEN I SQUEEZE ‘EM?” (Bill Watterson)
- I TOOK A TEST IN EXISTENTIALISM. I LEFT ALL THE ANSWERS BLANK AND GOT 100. (Steven Wright)
- HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR? (George Carlin)
- WHEN I WAS GROWING UP I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE SOMEONE. NOW I REALIZE I SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE SPECIFIC. (Lily Tomlin)
- EAT A LIVE FROG FIRST THING IN THE MORNING AND NOTHING WORSE WILL HAPPEN TO YOU THE REAT OF THE DAY. (Mark Twain)
- IN AMERICA, ANYONE CAN BECOME PRESIDENT. THAT’S THE PROBLEM. (George Carlin)
- PHOTONS HAVE MASS. i DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THEY WERE CATHOLIC. (Woody Allen)
- THEY SAY THAT GUNS DON’T KILL PEOPLE, PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE. WELL I THINK GUNS HELP. IF YOU JUST STOOD THERE AND YELLED “BANG”, I DON’T THINK YOU’D KILL TOO MANY PEOPLE. (Eddie Izzard)
- WHEN I WAS A KID MY PARENTS MOVED A LOT BUT I ALWAYS FOUND THEM. (Rodney Dangerield)
- THE NICE PART ABOUT BEING A PESSMIST IS THAT YOU ARE CONSTANTLY BEING PROVEN EITHER RIGHT OR PLEASANTLY SURPRISED. (George F. Will)
- THERE IS A FINE LINE BETWEEN FISHING AND JUST STANDING ON THE SHORE LIKE AN IDIOT. (Steven Wright)
- I’D KILL FOR A NOBEL PEACE PRIZE. (Steven Wright)
- IF A MAN SAYS SOMETHING IN THE WOODS AND THERE ARE NO WOMEN THERE, IS HE STILL WRONG? (Steven Wright)
Hope you found something to laugh at in these troubling times. Thanks for visiting.
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