CELEBRATING ST. PATRICK’S DAY WITH A BIT O’ THE BLARNEY

As is our practice and trying to lighten the mood, we offer a bit of Irish humor. We hope you enjoy it>

• TWO IRISH LADS WERE WORKING FOR THE LOCAL CITY COUNCIL. ONE LAD WOULD DIG A HOLE AND THE OTHER LAD WOULD FOLLOW AND FILL THE HOLE IN. THEY WORKED UP ALONG ONE STREET AND THEN DOWN THE OTHER. THEY THEN MOVED TO THE NEXT STREET AND DID THE SAME THING…ONE LAD DIGGING THE HOLES AND THE OTHER FILLING THEM IN. A PASSERBY SAW WHAT THEY WERE DOING AND WAS AMAZED AT THEIR HARD WORK BUT COULDN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY WERE ABOUT. SO HE SHOUTED OVER TO THEM “I DON’T GET IT–WHY DO YOU DIG A HOLE, ONLY FOR THE OTHER LAD TO FILL IT IN?” THE LAD WIPED HIS BROW AND SIGHED DEEPLY. WELL–HE SAID–I SUPPOSE IT PROBABLY DOES LOOK A BIT ODD. YOU SEE WE’RE NORMALLY A THREE-MAN TEAM. BUT TODAY, THE LAD WHO PLANTS THE TREES PHONED IN SICK.

• A MAN FROM CORK COUNTY WAS IN WITH HIS DOCTOR. LOOK DAVID–I’VE SOME BAD NEWS AND SOME TERRIBLE NEWS FOR YOU. DAVID ASKED “WHAT’S THE BAD NEWS?” “WELL’ REPLIED THE DOCTOR “YOU HAVE ONLY THREE DAYS TO LIVE”. “YOU’RE JOKING’ SAID DAVID. “HOW CAN THE NEWS GET ANY WORSE?” “WELL” SAID THE DOCTOR, “I’VE BEEN TRYING TO REACH YOU FOR THE PAST TWO DAYS”.

• A TOURIST IN CORK COUNTY WANTS TO GO TO DUBLIN FOR THE ST. PATRICK’S DAY PARADE. HE STOPS A LOCAL IRISH GENT AND ASKS HIM ” EXCUSE ME, CAN YOU TELL ME THE QUICKEST WAY TO DUBLIN?” THE LOCAL GENT SAYS “ARE YOU ON FOOT OR DO YOU HAVE A CAR?” THE TOURIST SAYS “I HAVE A CAR”. THE LOCAL GENT SAYS “THAT’S THE QUICKEST WAY.”

• PADDY WALKS INTO A BAR ON ST’ PATRICK’S DAY AND STARTED ORDERING MARTINI AFTER MARTINI. HE CAREFULLY REMOVES THE OLIVES AND PLACES THEM IN A JAR. AFTER SEVERAL MARTINI’S PADDY RISES TO LEAVE WHEN A TOURIST STOPS HIM AND SAYS “EXCUSE ME, BUT WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?” PADDY ANSWERED “MY WIFE SENT ME OUT FOR A JAR OF OLIVES”.

• AN IRISH PRIEST IS DRIVING DOWN TO NEW YORK FOR THE ST. PATRICK’S DAY PARADE AND GETS STOPPED FOR SPEEDING IN CONNECTICUT. THE STATE TROOPER SMELLS ALCOHOL ON THE PRIEST’S BREATH AND THEN SEES THE EMPTY WINE BOTTLE ON THE FLOOR OF THE CAR. SO HE ASKS THE PRIEST “SIR, HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?” “JUST WATER’ SAYS THE PRIEST. “THEN WHY DO I SMELL WINE” THE PRIEST LOOKS AT THE BOTTLE, PICKS IT UP, SNIFFS IT AND SAYS “GOOD LORD!! HE’S DONE IT AGAIN!!”

• A MAN STUMBLES UP TO THE ONLY OTHER PATRON IN THE BAR AND ASKS IF HE COULD BUY HIM A DRINK. “WHY, OF COURSE” COMES THE REPLY. THE FIRST MAN THEN ASKS “WHERE ARE YOU FROM?” “I’M FROM IRELAND” REPLIES THE SECOND MAN. THE FIRST MAN RESPONDS “YOU DON’T SAY. I’M FFROM IRELAND TOO! LET’S HAVE ANOTHER ROUND TO IRELAND”. “OF COURSE” SAYS THE SECOND MAN. CURIOUS, THE FIRST MAN THEN ASKS “WHERE IN IRELAND ARE YOU FROM?” “DUBLIN” COMES THE REPLY. “I CAN’T BELIEVE IT” SAYS THE FIRST MAN “I’M FROM DUBLIN TOO! LET’S HAVE ANOTHER DRINK TO DUBLIN.” “OF COURSE”, REPLIES THE SECOND MAN. CURIOSITY STRIKES AGAIN AND THE FIRST MAN ASKS “WHAT SCHOOL DID YOU GO TO?” “SAINT MARYS'”, REPLIES THE SECOND MAN. “I GRADUATED IN 1965.” “THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE !” THE FIRST MAN SAYS. “I WENT TO SAINT MARY’S AND GRADUATED IN 1965 TOO!” ABOUT THAT TIME, IN COMES ONE OF THE BAR’S REGULARS AND SITS DOWN AT THE BAR. “WHAT’S BEEN GOING ON?” HE ASKS THE BARTENDER. “NOTHING MUCH” REPLIES THE BARTENDER. “THE O’MALLEY TWINS ARE DRUNK AGAIN.”
• AN IRISH PATIENT IN THE HOSPITAL SAYS TO THE FELLOW IN THE NEXT BED “LOOK, THE DOCTOR’S COMING ROUND SOON. TRY TO CHEER HIM UP BECAUSE HE’S VERY WORRIED ABOUT YOU.”
• AN IRISHMAN IS STRUGGLING TO FIND A PARKING SPACE. “LORD” HE PRAYED “I CAN’T STAND THIS. IF YOU OPEN UP A SPACE FOR ME I SWEAR I’LL GIVE UP THE GUINNESS AND GO TO MASS EVERY SUNDAY.” SUDDENLY, THE CLOUDS PART AND THE SUN SHINES ON AN EMPTY PARKING SPACE. WITHOUT HESITATION, THE IRISHMAN SAYS “NEVER MIND, I FOUND ONE!”
• A SOBBING MS. MURPHY APPROACHES FR. O’GRADY AFTER MASS. HE SAYS “SO WHAT’S BOTHERING YOU?” SHE REPLIES “OH FATHER, I’VE TERRIBLE NEWS. MY HUSBAND PASSED AWAY LAST NIGHT.” THE PRIEST SAYS “OH MARY, THAT’S TERRIBLE. DID HE HAVE ANY LAST REQUESTS?” “CERTAINLY FATHER” SHE REPLIED. “HE SAID: ‘PLEASE, MARY, PUT THAT DAMN GUN DOWN’.
• WE CLOSE WITH A TRADITIONAL IRISH TOAST; “MAY YOU BE IN HEAVEN TWO DAYS BEFORE THE DEVIL KNOWS YOU DIED.” JUST SEEMED APPROPRIATE. DRINK RESPONSIBLY SO YOU WILL BE AROUND FOR THE NEXT ST.PATRICK’S DAY.